It’s not always easy to say no.
As social beings, there’s something joyful about being included. That ping of an invitation feels like a little nod that we matter. Most of us enjoy the ritual: getting ready, showing up, making conversation, catching up with familiar faces. It feels good to belong.
But it’s not always good for us.
Over time, our social circles grow. Commitments pile up. Suddenly, weekends are booked out for months. Even joyful events start to feel like obligations. Somewhere in that shuffle, we start losing time for ourselves and for the people closest to us.
That’s when I started filtering my list.
I once saw Tyler Perry compare friends to parts of a tree:
“Most people are like leaves… when the wind blows, they sway and eventually fall. Some are like branches, they might seem sturdy, but the minute you put weight on them, they break and leave. But those who are like roots? They’re grounded, unseen, but unwavering: holding you up when the storm comes.”
Most people are leaves. They fall with the seasons. A dozen may be branches. They last longer, but eventually break away. And then there are those handful who are the trunk: steady, solid, and always there.
That image stuck with me. These days, when I get invited to an event: whether it’s a wedding, a baby shower, or a dinner party (and yes, I’m Indian, so that list is long) I stop and think of my tree first.
Sometimes, I’ll have three or four events on the same day. But if my entire weekend calendar is booked six weeks out, I have to ask: am I leaving any room for rest? For time with my family? For time with myself?
Where’s the quality of life in that?
Monday to Friday, most of us are working full steam. We get home, eat dinner, relax for maybe an hour, and then it’s off to bed. Then Friday hits, and suddenly we’re dressing up for an event. Saturday is packed, too. Sunday, ditto. And before we know it, we’re back at work on Monday without a single moment to pause or recharge.
So, I started filtering.
I know one school of thought says: if someone takes the time to invite you, you should always go. I get that, up to a point. But if I haven’t talked to someone in over a year, can’t remember their spouse’s name, or don’t even know if they have kids, let alone their names, I must pause and reevaluate that connection.
Of course, family is different. There are relatives we may not see for years, and yet we show up because that’s what family does. I’m not questioning those bonds. But I am saying we need to give ourselves permission to be selective. Because when we say yes to everything, we’re often saying no to ourselves. We steal time from rest, from reflection, from self-care. We drain our emotional battery trying to keep up with every invite, every RSVP, every expectation.
So, if you’re reading this and you’re one of my friends, and I say no to something, it’s not personal. It’s intentional.
I hope what you take from this isn’t rejection, but recognition. That sometimes, we say no to others so we can say yes to ourselves.
Yes to a quiet night with our child instead of rushing to another banquet hall.
Yes to a weekend afternoon with a book and no agenda.
Yes to breathing room in a life that’s already full.
Now, I get that this may not apply to everyone. Like I said, I’m Indian. A small family get-together is 150 people. A wedding is 500, minimum. And that’s considered intimate. But for those of you who’ve built wide social circles (and kudos to you, because those relationships matter), just remember: it’s okay to filter. It’s okay to ask yourself who fills your cup and where you’re pouring too much without refilling your own.
If we’re constantly running from work to kids’ sports to social events, we end up burnt out. And when we’re emotionally depleted, what do we have left to offer?
So, I’ve learned to say no.
If that means I don’t get invited to someone’s engagement party because I missed their prayer service two years ago, I’m okay with that. I’m investing deeply in the people who are pluses in my life:the trunks of my tree. The ones who keep me grounded.
As for the leaves and branches, I’m letting some of them go.
Just something to think about, especially with the holidays around the corner. The invites are already coming in. Yes, even in September. (And yes, I’m that girl who puts up her Christmas tree on November 1.)
So, as the season starts to fill up, don’t be afraid to say no.
It might be the most generous yes you give yourself this year.
