It took me a few weeks to finally put this down on paper. Everyone manages grief differently. Recently, I experienced unimaginable grief and had to find my outlet. Whether it’s the gym, music, or venting to a friend, we all cope differently. I write to express my emotions. Thinking and writing help me process my emotions, hence, my Candid Kam(s). If I find value, I’ll share. I’m open. This one was tough. By sharing, I hope we can better support others in grief.
Two weeks ago, on a Monday morning when I was attending my team huddles, my sister-in-law Mandy called. Normally, she’d be at work, so I was concerned. I’m very close with all my sister-in-laws. Whether they’re directly related or first cousins, I’ve been blessed with many sisters from another mother, particularly in my in-laws’ family. One of them, Raj, had recently moved to Indiana. After 10 years of marriage, she was expecting. Raj and her husband had just purchased a lovely new home, and in February, Mandy and I had traveled to Indiana to throw her a baby shower. As part of her baby shower/housewarming gift, we set up her baby’s nursery. It was a girl. I bought the crib and changing station, decorated the nursery with her little curtains and wallpaper, and got her linens and some baby clothes. It was absolutely precious.
When I received the call, I wasn’t expecting the news I heard. Raj had gone into labor, the baby was in breach and the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. She didn’t make it. My immediate reaction was shock, then I went into action mode. As her sisters, we needed to be in Indiana immediately. I dropped everything, informed key team members and booked a flight.
By 7:30 PM, I was at Indiana International Airport, driving to the hospital. We entered her room at 8:30 PM, and she fell into our arms, crying. She needed us. Although not related by blood, we were her people. She had her husband, but in that moment, she needed her sisters. We understood her grief as mothers. Even as I write this, tears stream down my face. The grief was overwhelming. We each have a role in processing grief. My maternal instinct kicked in and I took charge, calming everyone and starting to put things to perspective. Understand what happened. She was going to be OK.
I spent the next two days planning the little baby’s funeral. We had to prep the house for Raj to come home, she wanted to donate all of the little baby’s clothes. Packing those little booties—I was broken. I had to pick an outfit for the cremation. Work with the Funeral Home to get that planned. I cooked, and cooked, and cooked. She came home and wanted Lasagna; and that’s what she got. I made food to last them weeks.
Enduring the day of the cremation was probably one of the hardest things that I’ve ever done in my life. Only when my son Rohan was sick when he was 10 had I felt such gut-wrenching pain. This little baby in her little casket – full term at 6 lbs and 19 oz, you just wanted to pick her up. Taking mom into the Funeral Home to see her baby one last time, placing her little blanket over her with her little toy, as we did our prayers.
Walking over to the crematorium as they completed the final prayers. Going to the temple after and praying for her little soul, it was so much. Originally Raj wanted to keep her room the way it was, but after two nights of gut-wrenching grief, her husband asked that we take it down. It was going to be too much, so he wanted us to remove all the decor that we had put up. It was inexplicably painful for her to look at that room. So, we spent our last day there taking down what we had so lovingly put up two months earlier. While the furniture remained, all signs of the floral decor and pink and white peonies were gone.
My support to her was taking charge. I knew that’s what she needed from me. They didn’t want to think about the details, so I thought about the details. I stayed strong, and only cried when I was alone. She needed my strength in that moment. She needed me to handle things so she didn’t have to – so she could process her grief. She was going through postpartum just as if she’d had her baby. And I was there to nurture her, feed her, make sure she took her medicine on time, give her the mothering that she needed when her own family was so far away. Now she’s young and will be able to have more children, thankfully there was no lasting damage, but that child in this moment has been imprinted on all of us forever.
I want to highlight the Lucas Project in Indiana. It’s the organization that paid for the entire cremation ceremony of the baby. Sunny and I had already decided to pay for all the services, but we were informed that the cremation was already paid for. All we paid for were the flowers that were laid on her tiny little casket. In times of grief, it’s wonderful to know that there are organizations out there that are taking care of others.
Raj and her husband worked blue collar jobs, and had just bought a home, funeral services can be extremely costly, and in this time of grief, would have almost been overwhelming. That’s why we had decided to take care of it ourselves, but not every family has loved ones like us, and knowing that there are organizations like the Lucas Project truly warmed my heart.
I ask all of my readers, please take a moment to support a local cause that supports mothers and families in grief. I certainly did. Money seems so minuscule in times like this, but I can tell you, having to pay for a cremation at a time like this would have been terrible. Thank you to the generous family at the Lucas Project! The work you do impacts lives.
Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m writing this except to express my empathy to all those parents who have ever lost a child. I cannot even imagine the sheer amount of grief that you must be going through. How you were able to recover and move on requires extraordinary strength? I, sitting on the sidelines as a sister, am still struggling to process.
Those of you in grief, know there are others out there that share in your pain, talk to them. Don’t grieve alone. Get support, call your people to you, and if you are someone’s person, go be with them. Grief, no matter how insurmountable it may seem, is lessened when it is shared amongst those that love you.
