Yesterday, I sat with a room full of women from across our company, ladies dialing in from the U.S., India, and the Philippines, and I asked them to do two things that turned out to be much harder than they had any right to be. I asked them to practice giving appreciation and then receiving it. Two simple acts, both of which we tend to do clumsily, and both of which I think every leader needs to get better at.
I started this Women’s Forum back in November because I wanted a space where the ladies of ITBD could connect across regions and have the conversations that matter, but never quite make it onto the agenda of a regular meeting. We’ve talked about confidence, boundaries, and what it feels like to be the only woman in a room of men. Yesterday, with Mother’s Day fresh on everyone’s mind, the topic was appreciation, because we live in a world that has one day on the calendar for moms, and then 364 days where the people doing the invisible work go right back to doing it without much being said.
The exercise was simple. I asked each of the ladies to write down a piece of appreciation they had for someone in their life, a mother, a co-worker, and a friend. Then I picked specific women from the group and asked them to voice their appreciation out loud to the rest of us. What I wanted them to practice was the art of being specific, because so much of how we appreciate people lands flat for one reason. We default to “you’re great!” and “fantastic work!” Without ever explaining what the person did or why it mattered, and that kind of appreciation feels nice for about three seconds, then it evaporates. It almost comes across as offhand.
That’s why I’m a believer in the SBI formula. Situation, Behavior, Impact. You name the specific moment, you describe the actual behavior you observed, and you tell the person what impact it had on you or on the team. That’s the difference between throwing confetti and handing someone something they can keep.
Then I asked the group to practice the other half, which is the part almost nobody talks about, the art of receiving appreciation. No deflection. No “oh, it was really a team effort,” not quietly pivoting to compliment the other person back. Just take a breath, make eye contact, say thank you, and stop there. You could watch the discomfort move through the room. A few of the ladies got teary. One of them said afterward that she had never let one of those land before. Not once in her whole adult life.
Research shows women accept compliments roughly forty percent of the time, which means we deflect the other sixty. The reasons are old. Social conditioning taught us modesty was safer than confidence, and that taking up space could look like arrogance, especially around other women. I picked Mother’s Day to anchor the conversation because mothers feel the contrast most sharply. In preparing for the session, I came across a 2024 study showing that mothers in U.S. households still carry seventy-one percent of cognitive household tasks (the planning, the organizing, the remembering of every appointment) and seventy-nine percent of daily care. The mental load is real, which is honestly why I need a cookie a day to keep the doctor away 😊
Speaking the Language the Other Person Actually Hears
Being specific is only half of what makes appreciation land. The other half is knowing what Love language the person on the other side actually hears. We talked about Gary Chapman’s five love languages, which apply in the workplace just as much as they do at home.
Words of Affirmation: Appreciation expressed through spoken or written language, like compliments, encouragement, or a handwritten note that names exactly what the person did and why it mattered.
Acts of Service: Appreciation expressed through doing something for the other person, like taking a task off their plate, covering a shift, or quietly handling the thing they were dreading.
Receiving Gifts: Appreciation expressed through tangible tokens that say, “I was thinking of you,” where the thoughtfulness behind the gift matters far more than the cost.
Quality Time: Appreciation expressed through giving someone your full, undivided attention, like closing the laptop during one on one and being fully present rather than half-distracted.
Physical Touch: Appreciation expressed through physical contact, which in a professional setting usually shows up as a handshake, a high five after a win, or a hand on the shoulder during a hard conversation.
My love language is gifting, I take a lot of time and effort to find things that the other individual will value when I gift, and for me, a sentimental gift holds more value than any designer brand could. For some people on your team, a thoughtful email recognizing a specific contribution lands the hardest, like the note that was recently sent to our Talent Acquisition team for the work they put into placing resources on a critical account. For another team member, it was a public shoutout from a manager in a team meeting that they will remember six months later.
Culture also shapes how appreciation gets spoken, sometimes more than we realize. In the U.S., it tends to be direct, verbal, and often public, like a shoutout in a team meeting or a thank you note left on someone’s desk. In India, the deepest appreciation is often quiet and shown through action, like a mother slipping your favorite dish into a tiffin without being asked, or an elder placing a hand on your head in blessing. In the Philippines, there’s a concept called utang na loob, the debt of gratitude, expressed through inclusion and presence, like a plate set aside for you or someone showing up for something that matters to you. The framework is universal. The language is not.
This Week’s Practice
I gave the ladies some homework this week, and I’d love for you to try it too.
When you give appreciation this week, be specific about what the person did, what it took, and what it meant to you or to the team. Remember the SBI framework and be intentional.
When appreciation comes back your way, take a breath, make eye contact, say thank you, and let it absorb for a moment without softening it or passing it on.
The question I’m asking myself now before I appreciate anyone is whether I’m speaking the language they actually hear. A direct compliment that lands beautifully on one team member might bounce right off another, and a quiet act of service that means everything in one culture might be invisible in another.
To every mother reading this, and to every woman who holds the invisible work and gives without ever keeping count, thank you. Thank you for all of it, the part that gets seen on the one Sunday in May, and the part that doesn’t get seen on any of the other days of the year. You’ve probably brushed off some version of that, thank you a thousand times already. Just for today, please, let it land.
