We all have bad days. Whether it’s a challenge at work or maybe sibling drama (we all know that feeling :)), sometimes we just need to vent. But even listening is an art form. Recently, I was chatting with a friend, and she was discussing how she was struggling. She was just keeping things bottled up inside rather than expressing her frustrations with her spouse. Not big things, but the little things that sit there and gnaw at you.
I told her about something my husband started doing with me. You see, when I went into Sunster’s office, needing to vent, he started asking me if I needed his opinion or just wanted him to listen. Hmm… I remember the first time he asked me this. It took me a moment to respond because I had to think about it. What did I want from him as a listener?
It’s healthy for us to share our burdens, but we also need to understand what it is we want from the listener. And as listeners, it’s normal for us to want to fix problems or give advice, but sometimes that’s not what’s needed. Recently, my sister needed to share her feelings, and when I called her, I was in immediate fix-it mode, reminding her of all the positives in her life… Blah, blah, blah… It’s not what she needed. I got frustrated, and so did she. I got off the phone irritated, and I’m sure she did as well.
But then I realized that I wasn’t really there for her because I forgot to ask her what she needed from me.
I think the crux of many of our communication issues with people can often result from expectation setting. What is it we want from the listener? For example, maybe you have a project at work and want to share it with a team member. But that person starts to pick apart the presentation and make comments about it. Now, did you want the feedback, or were you just sharing it for reference? It can lead to many different outcomes and possible frustrations.
If we think about it, all of our conversations, whether at home or work, can use this principle for better communication. When calm heads prevail and we set expectations of what we want from someone, we are less likely to be disappointed and can have more positive outcomes from these conversations. I know, you’re all thinking, how did my Sunster get so wise? 🙂 Not sure, but he is one smart cookie (after all, he did marry me :)).
