As many of you know, my son Sahib is in his fourth year at Cornell; he is studying nutrition, is the Captain of the Volunteer Fire Department in Ithaca and a certified EMT. Yes, I am a very proud mom, and I love to hear his voice when he calls, but there are days when I am tested. I can tell you that I have developed a deep sense of empathy for the wives and mothers of first responders or military. Every time that phone rings, my heart sinks. 

A week ago, he called me. There had been a call of a domestic disturbance in one of the homes that he frequently responded to. This was not the first time they had had to go and calm down the gentleman and his wife. However, on this day, the man had taken a shotgun to his head and killed himself. When my son arrived on the scene, police were outside the door, but they were not certified to declare the man deceased. So my son, a 21 year old, walked in to what could only be an extremely horrific scene. He told all of the other volunteers to stay outside. They were young, he said, a relative word since he’s only 21 himself, but he didn’t want them to see what had happened inside that home.  

He walked over to this man, whom he felt he knew, since he had been to this home multiple times, and there was nothing left of his head. My son pulled himself together and walked out of the home, declared the man deceased, and waited for the medics to arrive so that they could deal with the rest of the scene. They have to file reports after every incident, and usually the younger volunteers process those as a learning opportunity, but he handled this one himself. It was too gruesome, and he wanted to protect them. 

The reason that I share this, is to discuss how he reconciled his emotions and grief.  

The first thing he did after he got back to the station was call me. He called his mom .  You see, while people at the station were trying to console him and help him deal with the magnitude of what he had just seen, he just needed to talk to his mom. This wasn’t the first time; I remember the day he called me when he was first on the scene and pronounced his first death. I was in the mall shopping at lululemon, and he was calling me repeatedly. I was on call, but his repeated calls made me stop. It’s not like my son to call me two times in a row let alone three. In that moment, like this, he needed to talk to his “person.” 

We all have those days. Now while most are not the magnitude of Sahibs, I can tell you the impact that his conversation had on me. What I have learned is that I play an important role in how my child deals with his grief and emotions. We all do. If we are someone’s “person,” we have a huge responsibility in helping them manage those emotions and grief.  

So here is what I have learned in dealing with deep emotions:  

1. Identify your support team: Ironically, no matter how old we get, whenever we are in pain, there is that one person that we go to. For many of us that’s Mom, but it can be a friend, sibling, spouse or co-worker. 
2. Share your pain: Whoever that may be, when emotions are triggered, share those feelings and simply be “heard” to help lighten the immeasurable weight on your chest.  
3. Reconcile your emotions: It doesn’t matter if it is a traumatic event, or an incident at work or home, if something has increased your emotions, we need to take a pause and reconcile those emotions. What triggered it, and how did that impact us? 
4. Don’t cast blame – I know for certain, whenever Sunny and I are having heated emotions, it’s his fault . Seriously though, my son was blaming himself, saying if only he had gotten their faster, maybe he could have stopped him. This inevitable guilt encompasses many people around us, and you need to move past it. 
5. Take time – Grief, or managing emotions, is one of those things that has no clock on when it will end. We can’t measure the magnitude of its impact on people, all we can do is take time to help support them. 
6. Get Help: It’s ok to reach out and get support. We all handle difficult situations differently. My son learned the value of therapy.  

I know this is a little deep for our Candid Kam, but I wanted to share with all of you what I have learned. When all I want to do is pull my child in and give him a big hug, I must be able to “be for him” and help him through those emotions. Whether its Sahib, my best friend, or my sister – we all need that support system. So “be for“ your person, understand the role that you play when you get that phone call and help support them through these emotions. It’s the greatest gift you could ever give them. 

And as an aside, yes, I am extremely proud of the man that we have raised. His empathy, concern for others, need to protect and give back – I’m one proud Momma  

For more content like this, be sure to follow IT By Design on LinkedIn and YouTube, check out our on-demand learning platform, Build IT University, and be sure to register for Build IT LIVE, our 3-day education focused conference, September 9-11, 2024 in Orlando, FL!