It’s not fair. Sometimes us leaders are put up to a different level of scrutiny than a regular employee would. The words that we say, when we say them, the tone in which we say them – they all matter. One word can often be the difference in a productive conversation and a complete breakdown in communication.
Recently, we had a situation. We were on a call, and you could tell that one of our team members was visibly upset. She was unable to communicate on the call and in fact left the call early; she was so overcome with emotions. I could see that she was in pain. The moment the call ended, I picked up the phone and called her. What had happened?
When you have a team member that is moved to the point of deep emotions, be that anger or pain, we as leaders have a responsibility to make sure that they are OK.
Something had happened. I wanted to take care of her and find out what had brought upon these strong emotions. When I called, she was visibly upset. I helped her calm down, take some deep breaths, and explain to me what had happened. I’m only here to listen and “be there for” you. This is not me as a leader calling; this is me as a concerned coworker and friend.
She began by telling me how there was an issue with one of her team members. It had been 5 weeks of back and forth with performance issues, and she was working to provide a performance improvement plan. She had been collaborating with HR, her leader, and to herself, she felt that she had been communicating effectively throughout the entire process. The problem…
Minutes before our call had started, she received notification that the employee had resigned. She had asked HR when this happened; their response was “a while ago.”
A while ago…………
I immediately understood why the leader was so upset. She felt that she had been communicating effectively with the appropriate leaders in order to address the employee situation. However, now finding out that the employee had resigned “a while ago” made it seem like they were not in turn collaborating effectively with her by keeping her in the loop. I immediately got the other leader on the call to understand her perspective. She clarified that it had just happened, minutes ago.
And there it was. The problem. The difference between saying “a few minutes ago” versus “a while ago.”
We have to measure the words that we use carefully. It doesn’t seem like a huge difference, but in the mind of a person that has been communicating about issues of another team member, to feel like they were left out of the loop because of a poor choice of words can be detrimental. They feel like they aren’t being valued, that things are happening behind their back – it’s just so much unnecessary angst.
Now, whether this is fair or not, HR is held to a different responsibility in measuring their words. Everybody looks to them to be the guide; their responses need to be measured. This was a perfect example of how words can hurt, and we need to make sure that we measure them very carefully. All of these emotions, with our mind telling us stories that are probably not true, building up all of this emotion inside of ourselves, all a result of a few simple words.
I love my team. They are wonderful leaders, and they collaborate so well. I only share this example because I hope it is a learning opportunity. Even the best of teams and the best of leaders can, in their haste to respond, make a mistake. So whenever you are dealing with emotional situations, remember the adage, “measure twice, cut once.” Measure your words, go back, reread that sentence, and if you think that the message is not going to be received well, pick up the phone and make a call or schedule an in-person meeting. Words matter, tone matters, the time when you are conveying the message matters – whenever we are sharing any news, remember to go through this mental checklist before you say anything:
- Is this the right time for this message?
- Should it be a phone call or an email?
- Have I taken the emotion out of my words?
- Have I removed any strong or harsh language?
- Is there any blame being cast in this email?
- Are my facts accurate?
- Does this require details, and if so, how much?
- Does it sound like an attack or, in reverse, defensive?
I know I have spoken about how words matter previously, but I get so many different learnings and opportunities on a daily basis. Whether you are a leader of one or 600, whether you are dealing with a new leadership team or a mature one – we all have opportunities to learn every day. Just remember, choose your words wisely and remember when and when they don’t need to be spoken.
