Every morning during our Leadership daily huddle we open with a quote of the day, which is a positive way to kick things off. This week I turned the page on my desktop calendar (yes, I still have one of those) and found one from Douglas Adams: “I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” I sat with that one for a minute, because it landed heavily on me.
I think about the direction of my life often, usually from a what could have happened perspective. It tends to hit me hardest at funerals, which some of you may find cryptic, though my intention is reflection rather than anything morbid. My dad passed away when I was 16, and I think about that day a lot, especially when I’m sitting in someone else’s service. When a person has lived a long life, the day should feel like a celebration of life. A life cut short leaves me searching for the meaning that has to come out of it somehow.
Everything about my life today traces back to that one moment. Had my dad not passed away at 47, I would very likely be a lawyer right now, and I’m not speaking hypothetically, because I actually sat for the LSAT when I was younger. I’d be living in Vancouver, married to some man other than my husband, with children who would not be these children. Every decision I’ve made since then traces back to that single day.
My sister got married six months after we lost him, which left me raising my eight and nine year old siblings at 16. I was working 32 hours a week across four days and going to school on top of it. Nobody assigns you that role or asks whether you’re ready for it, and I certainly wasn’t. You simply look around the house, see what has to get done, and start doing it. I watched my mom at 39 raise four children on her own while working a factory job for ten dollars an hour, and she never once sat us down to explain resilience or sacrifice to us. She got up every morning and went to work, and I followed her lead because that was the only version of adulthood I could see.
I never would have left Vancouver, which means I never would have met my Sunster. I would have had children, but they wouldn’t be Sahib, Rohan, and Shaan, because those three are a byproduct of the two of us. I wouldn’t be sitting at IT By Design in a role that genuinely fills my heart. Maybe I would have found some other way to reach people in a different field entirely, but it wouldn’t be this one. I had very different dreams when I was younger (a hockey wife may have been one😊). Over time I’ve come to believe that our decisions carry us toward where we’re meant to be, even when we can’t see the shape of it yet. Sometimes the only thing to do in the moment is ask what God’s plan looks like here, why any of it happened, and what there is to learn from it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have loved that other life, only that it would have been a different one.
It’s almost like thinking about a multiverse, which is fitting, because Avengers Doomsday is coming and I’ve been doing my homework (yes there is re-watch homework for you true diehards). I’m a boy mom and I wear that badge proudly, so the four of us have been working our way through everything in preparation. Plenty of people I know get stuck in could have, would have, should have, and I understand the pull of it. Replaying the alternate version of your life is compelling, but it quietly costs you the one you’re actually living.
Here’s what I’ve taken from it, 32 years later. Those years taught me to take responsibility seriously in a way I don’t think I could have learned any other way. It’s probably why I end up being a “mom” to so many people now. My team knows I’ll notice when something is off before they tell me. That instinct came from a house where noticing was the job. The hardest season of my life built the thing I rely on most in my work, and I couldn’t see a single piece of that while I was living through it.
That has also changed how I lead when someone else is in the middle of something difficult. I’ve stopped trying to show people the silver lining, because nobody is ready to hear it in that moment, that this will make sense one day. What they need is someone close and steady, while it’s still hard, the way our mom was steady for the four of us without ever announcing that she was doing it. The understanding arrives much later, and usually only when you turn around and look at the distance you’ve covered.
I married my Sunster and moved away from home, went into a field that has nothing to do with law, and ended up somewhere that 16 year old girl never would have dreamed of. I have these three amazing boys, work that I care deeply about, friends who show up when it matters, and a life that feels abundant in ways my younger self wouldn’t have known how to ask for. All of it grew out of the one day I would have given anything to change. Wherever I am today is where I was supposed to land, and while it isn’t the life that girl pictured for herself, it’s the best one this woman could have ever hoped for.
